Tint of blue....

Hmmm....so there was a tint of blue today.....

I sit here wanting to cry...not quite sure what I want to say. I think I'll start with sorry. I really thought I had dealt with it....but I guess its not until it randomly comes up that you realise that you havnt....well I guess I havnt.

Its been such a long time....thinking about it now, its almost been 8 years. wow! how time flies! 8 years....enough time to make yourself forget, time to push it to the very back of your mind....time to forgive yourself.

So anyways i'm saying sorry. Sorry that I didnt give it a chance. Sorry that I didnt think it would work. So many ppl I hav come across that took the risk.....and only to see the fruits of their risk. I've told myself that it wasnt the right time....I did the right thing. But I wonder sometimes tho......was it really? How will I ever be sure?....maybe its best not to think about that. oh well.......

They asked me how come I was talking about it so calmly......its not something to get hysterical about. Its something that happened before....I guess the trick is not to let it happen again. Once was bad enough, twice is more than enough......but the pain is still there......the pain is still there..........

I don't know quite how to articulate what I feel. I kinda wish the 1st one hadnt happened.....that I'd have an 8 yr old now. But then I think.....a lot of the positive things that have happened maybe wouldnt have happened....and I dont think i like that idea. But then maybe the 2nd one wouldnt have happened. But same thing...maybe all the good things that have happened since wouldnt hav happened: the wonderful ppl that I have met....the good place that I'm in now. Even the not-so-good things. Hmmmmmm.......all the what ifs.

''I'm giving you back, to where you came from.....but I'm not forgetting who you are''